My fiance seems to suddenly hate my mother?
Ok there's quite a bit of back story to this but I have a habit of letting these things run for too long so I'll keep it as short as I can! I'm 18, have been with my fiance (also 18, I'll call him "Sam" to simplify things) for almost 2 years now, and for the most part things are going really well. My mum has always supported our relationship and she loves "Sam" to bits (she is however the type of -slightly embarrassing- mother who constantly mentions how much she would love to have grandchildren, etc), and he's always been very fond of her. However, something has changed over the past couple months and he has been openly criticizing her to me. In the past he's always laughed it off whenever she mentioned marriage or children but lately, even though we talk about those things a lot to each other, he's been saying how inappropriate he thinks she's being. I suppose that could be a fair comment but it's never been an issue before, plus he speaks about her in very harsh terms that make me feel uncomfortable. A few days ago he asked me to go to Spain with him and his family (I went to Tenerife with them for a week in December also), and my mum said she would rather I stay here because she missed me so much the last time (which I thought was actually rather sweet). I told him this and he exploded, and started ranting about how selfish and immature she was. All I could think was how his mum had refused to let him come away with us before -to somewhere within the country- and how I had politely held my tongue. Today, "Sam"'s mum said something mean about either my mum's car or her driving (he says she was insulting her car, I'm sure I heard differently), which I was offended by. I spoke to him privately later on and explained that I thought his mum was out of line, but he said I was being over-sensitive and he couldn't see the problem. This quickly developed into a full-blown argument as he started hurling insults my way about how my mum was "lazy" because she gave up her job as a nurse to stay at home and look after me when I was born. He said his mum worked the whole time he and his brother were growing up, but that was only because his mum was a single parent and couldn't afford to stay at home, not because she was any better than my mother! He went on to say that his mum was "worth 20 of my mum" because she's been through so much that apparently my mum wouldn't even be able to comprehend (he knows nothing about my mother or her past by the way). Another thing I should mention is that he is OBSESSED with the idea that there is some kind of class war between him and I. He sees himself as working class, and myself as middle class. He's constantly bringing up the subject of money, and he's suggested a few times that because we have more money than his family we don't all love each other, only our possessions. He says his family are closer than mine (not true) because they only have each other. He also ignorantly said that my parents bought a shop "in the middle of a recession" because they wanted to look "flash", when it has absolutely nothing to do with that. And to be honest, I don't even think he is as typically "working class" as he seems to think. At least if he is, I don't think he's very different from me at all. Wow this really has run on for too longl I'm sorry... Anyway the point is, I'm really confused as to why he's suddenly calling her a "bitch" all the time when just a couple months ago he was singing her praises. Is there something I'm missing here? And is this class war thing ever going to end or is it just something I'll have to put up with if I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I hate to think he's jealous of me, but the way it seems like he's always TRYING to make me jealous of him is very strange... Any advice you could give to help me keep my cool would be great! And thanks for listening. He thinks I'm too defensive when it comes to my mum... Sometimes I worry that this is true. I can't stand to hear anybody insult her, it just makes me see red! But, obviously I know he likes his mum more than my mum, but why say it? What a weird thing to say to someone... and that she's worth 20 of her... I don't understand why he wants to hurt me
Family - 7 Answers
Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1 :
He is a stuck up fucking ***hole. What a prick. How can you stand being with him? I would have dumped him a long time ago. You deserve so much better than him.
2 :
His true colors are coming out, dump him. You deserve much better.
3 :
I completly agree. He is being very disrespectful towards your mother. If I were you, I'd tell him to work things out or stop because it's making you upset. She's your mother for pete's sake! She loves you very much and shouldn't be treated this way, seeing that she is to, older. Good luck! God bless!
4 :
Something in life I have found to be true. A man treats his Mother and your Mother like he will treat you eventually. Without fail, it always happens.
5 :
i'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he is turning into a control freak. after that comes all kinds of rules, don't see your mom, don't see your friends, don't do this can't do that. then the hitting starts!!! it's time you and old sam parted ways. as he says, find someone in your own class, like someone that isn't an assho!e. because, trust me, the bad that you are going through now, is just THE BEGINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE AND WORSE!!! if you stay with him, remember what i told you today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6 :
Okay. Wow. Your fiance is behaving like a child. 18 is fairly young (you're only a year older than me), and at this age there can sometimes be a maturity gap between males and females. It's obvious to me that you are more emotionally developed than he is. That's not a good sign for the two of you as a couple. Also, this crap he's pulling about your mother is complete nonsense. Even if your mother was a terrible person (which she is not), he would not have a right to call her offensive terms. If, for some inexplicable reason, he has something against her, he still needs to respect that she is your MOTHER and that you love her. And also, if he is jealous of you now, I can assure you that he will only get more jealous as time goes on. Even though I think his jealousy is ridiculous, I can tell you from experience that it will only get worse after your marriage. You need to tell him firmly that he MUST stop insulting your mother, that he must start showing some more respect for the woman that gave birth to you. You also need to address the jealousy issue. Bring it up calmly, and ask him about it gently since it may be a very sore topic. If he can't discuss this with you rationally then that should tell you something too. It may be that he is just not ready for such a serious committment as marriage right now. If that's the case, step back and give him space. You'll be better off.
7 :
Tell him that you can't stand him if he's like that to your mom. Show him how much your mom means to you and how much you love your mom. Tell him what's in this polaroid picture all the time: http://www.pixisnap.com/main/view/0000007161
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