Tell me what you think of this, I wrote it.?
It is for a story, tell me what you think of it- Of Alexandra VII's three children, the youngest, Roger Ramius Sergei Alexander Chiang MacClintok- known variously to political writers of his own time as "Roger the Terrible," "Roger the Mad," "the Tyrant," The Restorer," and even "The Kin-Slayer"- did not begin his career as the most promising material the famed MacClintock Dynasty had ever produced. Alexandra's child by Lazar Fillip, the sixth Ear of New Madrid, whom she never marreid, the then-Prince Roger was widely regarded prior to the Adoula Coup as an overly handsome, self-centered, clothes-consious fop. It was widely known within court circles that his mother nursed serious reservations about his reliability and was actively disappointed by his indolent, self-centered neglect of those duties and responsibilites which attached to his position as Heir Tertiary to the Throne of Man. Less widely known, althouugh scarcely secret, was her lingering distrust of his loyalty. As such, it was perhaps not unreasonable, when the "Playboy Prince" and his bodyguard (Bravo Company, Bronze Battalion, of the Empress' Own Regiment) disappearned enroute to a routine flag-showing ceremony only motnhs before an attack upon the Imperial Palace, that suspicion should turn to him.
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1 :
i'm confused.
2 :
Interesting - you've got great details in here describing Prince Roger. The one thing I, as a reader, would appreciate is less wordiness--slow it down. You are cramming a lot of important details into one paragraph. As I read through it, this sounds like you are trying to say as much about this world as you can in one breath. Long sentences are not bad, but it is nice to space them out with short ones for emphasis. I like to think of it in comparison to a roller-coaster. You go up and down. If the rails were all at the same height, the coaster would be boring. Similarly--long information-packed sentences followed by long information-packed sentences can bore or overload the reader. Keep the detail, but read it out loud to yourself and don't be afraid to slow it down.
3 :
You'll choke your readers to distraction if you write 'so much' back off a tad, and give little portions instead. Readers aren't fools they will follow where you lead them, if they like your style, just let them use their imagination. You do write well, just a tad over-the-top. Good writing.
4 :
You obviously Love Words and are quite capable of firing off a string of flavorful adjectives, but what you might have missed is the effect your words are having on your reader. If you really want to capture the reader's interest, EDIT and READ over and over and over until you've accomplished the practice of re-writing. In re-writing, remember to consider your READER instead of your love affair with all of these words. From another Word Lover, I understand your plight in omitting those wondrous adjectives, but I've come to understand that even though I'm writing for myself - if I expect anyone else to read my writing with appreciation for what I'm saying, then I must fine tune the words and phrases in a way that will give the reader comprehension of what I'm attempting to portray. If a reader can't understand or empathize with the writer's portrait, then they will walk away unmoved and unable to pick up the piece again with that feeling of zest that should be felt when taking time to read.
5 :
Forget it. It's verbose self-regarding piffle.
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